Integrity

How do you pass down integrity?  Don’t wait for life lessons to happen, pre-teach them.  Be an example.  One night I tucked in my son while my older son was in the shower, tucked in the girls, began talking to my husband and picking up the kitchen.  My oldest son walked through and I told him I would give him a few minutes and be right up.  I forgot!  After at least 20 minutes I raced up the stairs.  He said “mom, where were you?  It feels like you were taking forever.”  I told him I was sorry, but I wanted to give him plenty of time and I was working on the kitchen.  Tucked him in with extra hugs and went to bed myself.  I tossed and turned.  That was very close to a lie, it was true, but I conveniently left out the part about ‘I just plain forgot’ so it wouldn’t hurt his feelings.  But I then did not want him to think I lied, because I never lie.  I tossed for half an hour, what finally sent me up the stairs was the drive to set a good example.  Here was an opportunity for an object lesson.  I checked and he was still awake – barely- and confessed and asked his forgiveness.  He gave it, I told him why I had not wanted him to know I forgot, and my original forgetfulness didn’t bother him a bit.  But he appreciated the fact that I respected him enough to be honest and apologetic.

How often do we apologize to our children?  How often do we apologize to our spouses, family members, or colleagues?  How will our kids learn to ask forgiveness if they never see it?  How will they know how much it means to hear ‘I am so sorry’ or ‘can you forgive me’ if they never experience it themselves?  We are parents; we screw up all the time.  Asking for forgiveness does not undermine our authority, it increase our respectability.  I used to teach a self-contained class of students from kindergarten to 5^th grade that have emotional or behavioral disorders.  These students were placed with me at the point there was nothing that could be done to keep them in the regular classroom setting.  They were a danger to their peers, literally.  Most all of them came from questionable backgrounds or were already in foster care or had been adopted out of foster care. ( I had only 2 students in 7 years that was being raised by their natural parents in a solid home.  I was able to transfer both of those students back to the general class within one year.)  The rest of my students struggled daily.  On a side note – the signs in the bathroom about alcohol and drugs during pregnancy are VERY  true!  I have met many students teaching in that room who were adopted out, but drug use during pregnancy had already changed the course of their entire lives!)  Any way, my students – you should have seen their faces the first time I apologized to them for something.  No one in their lives had ever apologized to them.  For an adult to admit they made a mistake and truly apologize for it was beyond their rehlm of comprehension!  The simple act of showing them respect won their respect.  They began to enjoy coming to school, they did their work, they smiled, they joined in the group.  It took time, setback after setback, but most of them made it back out to the general population. 

My oldest step daughter has only lived with us full time for the last 2 years.  She moved in at the beginning of 7^th grade.  Watching her change and grow has been phenomenal!  Things were pretty rough that first year.  The honesty thing was coming hard for her and she came up to ask about playing video games because she was done with her reading time.  I miscalculated the time I had been upstairs and told her there was no possible way she was done.  When she was gone, I recalculated and realized my mistake.  It was hard!  It was hard, but I knew I HAD to apologize.  So I did, I told her I was sorry, I had made a miscalculation and I was wrong, and yes she could play a video game now (they purchase their videogame time with reading time).  The very next day, she and my youngest son were debating some bit of trivia.  Convinced she was right, she looked up the bit of information to prove it to her wayward little brother…  She was wrong, he was right.  She called him over and apologized and admitted she was wrong using the EXACT SAME procedure and words that I had used the day before!  It was like feeling God pat me on the back and say “See, see, you swallowed your pride and taught her that apologizing feels good, and that it’s okay to be wrong, and it’s okay to admit you are wrong!”  I was very proud of her.  She watched, she learned, she applied!  Our kids are ALWAYS watching, learning, and applying, it is your actions that you will see coming out of them.  What do you want to see come out of them?

Proverbs 22:6  Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Deuteronomy 6: 4 – 9 Listen, Oh Israel!  The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.  And you must love the Lord you God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.  And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today.  Repeat them again and again to your children.  Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed, and when you are getting up.  Tie them to your hands, and wear them on your forehead as reminders.  Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.